I'm stuck in the same fucking place that I've been for the past couple of months. I'm an idiot for love, I swear to god. I keep settling for the crumbs that he gives me, hoping that one day it'll be more. And my heart feels so heavy, heaviest when I date other people... when I sleep with someone else. Is this love? Is it poison? ... or are they both one in the same.
I find myself in my hardest moments turning to my beliefs, and now I find that I'm left with none. What do I believe in anymore? Who do I believe in? A year ago, I might have told myself that if it is love, you shouldn't have to work so hard. But now I'm not so sure. I've resorted to looking at that approach as if you were waiting for something to fall on your lap.
And now I'm lost.
Maybe this is why people have religion. So they don't have to wander around for themselves and try to figure it out on their own. I wish I had a book to turn to at this time. Point me to some wisdom, that I am so desperately in need of today and likely tomorrow.
11.19.2005
I don't even remember when I got lost.
I've been on many journeys to find myself now. The most significant so far being the time I spent in Boston, and now I am about to head off to China (hopefully... I'm looking at you financial aid) hoping to find myself yet again. The problem I guess is that I'm not actually so sure where I lost myself. Maybe I just keep on finding different parts of me.
It's 7:30 am. Not even all the warcraft in the world could keep me busy throughout the nights. I'm an insomniac.. no no, I'm nocturnal. I think that I was meant to live in Asia since I always seem to sleep fine when I'm over here. In the U.S. sleep is a blissful memory now. I'm always bright and alive at night time and tired as shit during the day. In between my watching Futurama, LOTR, munching on pill after pill of sleeping aid, leveling my priest to yet another number which will allow him to learn spells which heal for yet another number, I find myself forced to face the scariest thing in my closet: myself.
These nights have gotten so lonely. They start to eat away at my thoughts and at my health. Maybe it's anxiety, maybe I have something on my mind. My two guesses would be (1) a boy or (2) my future.
I've done a lot to solve my issues with no.1, though I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be. Still love him in some kind of way. Not sure enough to say it, in case he doesn't want it. I asked my friend today, if I'd ever get over the stuff that's happened between us. You know those bad memories that you've had with people you care about? You know how they manage to force their way into the forefront? There are things that I really regret, and I wonder if I could've done something to have changed the outcome. It's not a big deal. It really isn't, but I guess I'm the jealous type so I can't help it. His answer: if you care for someone enough... if they're worth it. I think he is. As silly as it seems and as much as I may make fun sometimes... there's a depth that he doesn't always show. Unfortunately, it is also coupled with confusion. I've given up on trying to make it work though. However, it still remains on my mind... and I wonder if it is the last thing I think of when I fall asleep.
As for my future... another day.
It's 7:30 am. Not even all the warcraft in the world could keep me busy throughout the nights. I'm an insomniac.. no no, I'm nocturnal. I think that I was meant to live in Asia since I always seem to sleep fine when I'm over here. In the U.S. sleep is a blissful memory now. I'm always bright and alive at night time and tired as shit during the day. In between my watching Futurama, LOTR, munching on pill after pill of sleeping aid, leveling my priest to yet another number which will allow him to learn spells which heal for yet another number, I find myself forced to face the scariest thing in my closet: myself.
These nights have gotten so lonely. They start to eat away at my thoughts and at my health. Maybe it's anxiety, maybe I have something on my mind. My two guesses would be (1) a boy or (2) my future.
I've done a lot to solve my issues with no.1, though I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be. Still love him in some kind of way. Not sure enough to say it, in case he doesn't want it. I asked my friend today, if I'd ever get over the stuff that's happened between us. You know those bad memories that you've had with people you care about? You know how they manage to force their way into the forefront? There are things that I really regret, and I wonder if I could've done something to have changed the outcome. It's not a big deal. It really isn't, but I guess I'm the jealous type so I can't help it. His answer: if you care for someone enough... if they're worth it. I think he is. As silly as it seems and as much as I may make fun sometimes... there's a depth that he doesn't always show. Unfortunately, it is also coupled with confusion. I've given up on trying to make it work though. However, it still remains on my mind... and I wonder if it is the last thing I think of when I fall asleep.
As for my future... another day.
11.08.2005
I don't know why I was so mean to you...
I remember saying that to my first boyfriend. I was thinking about all the stuff I put him through after we ended our relationship, trying to keep him in my life. He called me a lot, always wanting to talk. And I remember I stopped caring at a point. Then, before he left to study abroad I saw him one last time and as I cried in front of him I told him, "I don't know why I was so mean to you." I wonder if he ever forgave me after that point.
I think I could forgive someone else if he were to say that to me. Sometime in the future.
I think I could forgive someone else if he were to say that to me. Sometime in the future.
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