I'm experience a sort of writer's block. I'm writing a script for a film, that's supposed to be done for my Asian American Film class. Although, it's really not for that at all.
Being in Berkeley again really makes me remember how badly I kicked my own ass. School, work and tons of extracurriculars from Day One. As hard as it is, there is reasoning behind it and it's not just getting away from problems by keeping myself busy (my time honored self-defense mechanism). Life is really, really short. I mean fuck, I'm 23 already and what do I have to show for it?
I was deciding whether or not to go through with this. Should I really go through with it or should I just say fuck it and pull some shitty ass documentary bull and get my passing grade? I need art to survive and sometimes I had wished I just went straight to doing the art instead of going to college and pleasing my parents, but then again I would always feel that I missed out on the college "experience"... whatever the hell that was, haha.
I'm leaving soon and it's making me realize a lot of things. 1) I am definitely going to miss all my friends from around here, but the really good ones will persist, just like Katy, Sam, and Natalia have already proven to do. I mean, those are the ones that you want your kids to get to know. Everyone else is great to see every now and then, but you can't make decisions on where you live for the now and thens. 2) If I stay in the Bay Area, I'm going to shoot myself. I fucking hate BART with a passion. Every meal, I worry about if I'll eat anything that I actually like, and sadly there have been few meals I've enjoyed since I got back. I don't want to be one of those negative people who leave the country and come back and talk all kinds of smack about the place a lot of people call home, but I guess it's too late for that isn't it? I do my best to not exaggerate though... to keep my opinions mild and not overstated... well except for my hatred for BART.
I miss Shanghai... I miss the language, and being surrounded by Mandarin. Watching Taiwanese music videos on YouTube puts a lump in my heart. I want to get started with my life already...
7.31.2006
7.21.2006
Mr. Love or Hate
I've noticed a trend an all my pursuers/pursuees, which is that they tend to either really really like me or really really dislike me. Looking back, there were only a couple who were ambivalent. That's what I'm really looking for I guess. That's what seems the most comfortable with me. I want someone who's willing to date me but not crazy about the whole idea.
I know from experience that I can be trained to love someone, although I've yet to figure out if that is the good kind of love. When someone likes me a lot, especially in the very beginning, it makes me question their sanity. I think to myself, "waoh kid, do you really know what you're getting into?"
It also makes me wonder if it could be any boy walking down the street... or at least any cute boy, for the pickier ones. Or even anyone who pays attention back to you. And I do believe somewhat in love at first sight, but I've always thought the type of love I wanted would be mutual... that we'd look at each other and just know that we had a fighting chance in this crazy world.
I find myself speaking like other nutcases: "If only they could treat me a little bit worse, I would like them so much more."
I entertained the thought, yesterday, that maybe I'm just that great of a person. Maybe the ones who like me (as opposed to the ones that avoid me) just get it. Maybe I'm good enough to be loved that intensely by someone.
But that was just a musing. I know there are people out there who can think that way. And I wonder if that kind of thinking is classified as egotism or a healthy level of self-esteem. After all, is it really that concieted of a notion to believe that we actually deserve the good things we get?
If I sit down with someone and ask them to explain why they like me I will be looking for a list of positive, intellectual things. But I won't get them. At least not at the age that I and the people I tend to date are at. So then, will I scoff when they say, "I just like being around you", or will I accept that there are people in the world that actually like to be around me.
I know from experience that I can be trained to love someone, although I've yet to figure out if that is the good kind of love. When someone likes me a lot, especially in the very beginning, it makes me question their sanity. I think to myself, "waoh kid, do you really know what you're getting into?"
It also makes me wonder if it could be any boy walking down the street... or at least any cute boy, for the pickier ones. Or even anyone who pays attention back to you. And I do believe somewhat in love at first sight, but I've always thought the type of love I wanted would be mutual... that we'd look at each other and just know that we had a fighting chance in this crazy world.
I find myself speaking like other nutcases: "If only they could treat me a little bit worse, I would like them so much more."
I entertained the thought, yesterday, that maybe I'm just that great of a person. Maybe the ones who like me (as opposed to the ones that avoid me) just get it. Maybe I'm good enough to be loved that intensely by someone.
But that was just a musing. I know there are people out there who can think that way. And I wonder if that kind of thinking is classified as egotism or a healthy level of self-esteem. After all, is it really that concieted of a notion to believe that we actually deserve the good things we get?
If I sit down with someone and ask them to explain why they like me I will be looking for a list of positive, intellectual things. But I won't get them. At least not at the age that I and the people I tend to date are at. So then, will I scoff when they say, "I just like being around you", or will I accept that there are people in the world that actually like to be around me.
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