Recently, in seedy gay news, I was again harassed in the men's locker room of my gym. I don't try to hide the fact that I'm gay, because well... too much eye candy... but someone crossed the line today by walking into my shower stall. I told him to go away, but he was like, "no, it's ok".
Hmm, yeah... I began to wonder if that's what it feels like to be a woman sexually harassed in straight society. It's like it doesn't even matter that I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't want him to approach me or that I don't feel comfortable sharing public shower space with other people. I wasn't afraid of him, but at the same time I felt hopeless. There was really nothing short of punching in the face I could do to have made him go away... so I did.
Just kidding. I'm like Ghandi, remember?
In other, disturbing news... I've woken up the third night in a row from a nightmare I had of work. The first one, I sent the wrong e-mails to the wrong production houses. In the second one, I was rushing to meet a deadline and in the last and final one, my boss took away my right to a break while I was eating potato chips. I'm going fucking nuts.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to chat with her about my salary increase. So I guess now it'll go up to $3/hr from $2/hr. I'm exaggerating yes, but sadly not by much. I guess in the end, whether or not I decide to stick with film production, this time will be a good way to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
I've been thinking about my musical goals, and how I'm so far off from achieving them and at the same time not really doing anything about them. Been thinking about the rate at which my Chinese is improving. Although, it seems like every time I complain to my peers about not knowing what I'm doing, the response is "join the club".
But I guess I don't want to join the club. I've always believed that performing is the only definite option for my life that would keep me happy. But I wonder if I have enough talent for it, and if I have enough talent if I'm in the right place. After all, I can't really act in China if I can't speak fluently, and the theatrical options here are somewhat bizarre anyway.
My main hesitation with this job is... well I wonder if I'm on the wrong side of the camera. Not many people have enough talent to be a performer, but then again not many people have the skills to be a good producer. Do I fall into either of those categories?
I'm cracking my head over my future, because for me every month I'm not doing something I should be doing, is a waste of my life. At one point in my life, I used to think I was talented but maybe that was just because I was practicing. I need to rethink my goals--figure out what I'm good at. But I guess for the time being I can revel in my new pop star hair and karaoke fan base.
