People do stupid things.

As you grow older, you struggle harder to have a generic faith in people. They they're good and that they want good things for other people. You look at yourself and hope that you have that same goodness inside yourself.

But sanity is found in knowing that people are also capable, and more so inevitably doomed to do stupid things. I had a weekend where a bunch of people around me did a lot of stupid things. But I'm not going to talk about that. I'm going to talk about the stupid thing that I did.

I dated someone because I thought I saw myself in him.

Yes, it's an unbelievable act of narcissism. But I thought I saw me in 2006 when I had first arrived, but it turns out we were very, very different. Why did I want someone who reminded me of myself? Have I been having that much trouble connecting to people who were different, that I felt like an island who would only be happy finding another island?

The second thing I did was do something that suddenly increased my seratonin intake... and thus disastrously depleting my supply of it. I'm sitting in my apartment and everything around me that I loved last week, is simply pitiful. Even my dog looks sad.

It feels familiar. I used to feel like this for years, and I think how the hell did I get through my childhood. How did I get up every morning? I can't imagine how I would proceed if this lasted for more than a week. So it's something to be thankful for I guess.

Be thankful that happiness has become something more of a choice... and that with every passing day is potential to feel a little better.

Simply worried.

I'm an insecure piece of shit, and my mind is a jumble of doubts.

Am I working too hard? Am I not working hard enough? Should I be with him? Should I stop spending so much time with him? Do I need braces? How many times should I go to the gym each week? If I dress like this will people like me more? Maybe I should buy more clothes... all of mine are too old. Do people notice this shirt is from college? I wonder if he'd like me more if I were a bit taller or less tan or more Chinese looking. Or maybe he only likes white guys... Why don't I have more savings? I wonder if I'll get a boyfriend once I have more money. Is that the only reason he'll want to be with me? Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to get bigger? When the fuck is this stupid band of fat going to go away? Did I lose myself somewhere along the way? Why do I care so much about all this shit? Did I abandon my art, or did art abandon me? Am I the same person I used to be? Am I better or worse than I was before? How much longer before you really lose it?

I'm trying to be strong, but a lot of things want to put me down. I kind of want to settle. Tired of being told I'm too (insert any adjective... really, any). I wish I could find someone who appreciates all I have to offer, because I do have a lot. Maybe they think I'm a whore. Maybe it's me. Do I go after the wrong guys just because I know they'll reject me? Does it fit the story I've written for myself? I think I need to try to stop hating myself so much.

How old am I? I'm 27. Ok. I want to restart my life. But I can't do that. It's not a game. And I wouldn't want to do high school over... so just have to change things moving forward. Stop regretting everything. Love yourself. Love yourself. It's the only way to live.