Am I working too hard? Am I not working hard enough? Should I be with him? Should I stop spending so much time with him? Do I need braces? How many times should I go to the gym each week? If I dress like this will people like me more? Maybe I should buy more clothes... all of mine are too old. Do people notice this shirt is from college? I wonder if he'd like me more if I were a bit taller or less tan or more Chinese looking. Or maybe he only likes white guys... Why don't I have more savings? I wonder if I'll get a boyfriend once I have more money. Is that the only reason he'll want to be with me? Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to get bigger? When the fuck is this stupid band of fat going to go away? Did I lose myself somewhere along the way? Why do I care so much about all this shit? Did I abandon my art, or did art abandon me? Am I the same person I used to be? Am I better or worse than I was before? How much longer before you really lose it?
I'm trying to be strong, but a lot of things want to put me down. I kind of want to settle. Tired of being told I'm too (insert any adjective... really, any). I wish I could find someone who appreciates all I have to offer, because I do have a lot. Maybe they think I'm a whore. Maybe it's me. Do I go after the wrong guys just because I know they'll reject me? Does it fit the story I've written for myself? I think I need to try to stop hating myself so much.
How old am I? I'm 27. Ok. I want to restart my life. But I can't do that. It's not a game. And I wouldn't want to do high school over... so just have to change things moving forward. Stop regretting everything. Love yourself. Love yourself. It's the only way to live.
