Patient is a virtue.

I still have two and a half weeks 'til my freaking plane leaves from LA. Jesus christ, man. I bought my ticket last week for $800... not too shabby. Flying on JAL with a frequent flyers program. Two more roundtrips and I can go to New York, haha.

I may go to Mexico again before I leave with Chris. We'll see. I really have a craving for those $1 raw oysters...chance of death...(drool). The Frostmane server was down yesterday, so I couldn't play WoW... so instead I clocked in 8 hours of GTA: San Andreas. They actually made a version of the Castro in their San Francisco. And there's a gun shop in it. I just thought I should share that.

Say it again.

He tells me he loves me, and asks why I can't say it back. I tell him, "It's too soon" and "we don't even know each other, yet".

And for some reason, when I look at his face, neither explanation seems to satisfy him... or me. So I say, "I'm not sure what love is anymore"...

I think he understands that I've been burned. Those scars don't heal; you just get used to them, that's all. She used to say that I was so brave, for being able to love again but it was never courage--only curiosity. I had never truly been hurt. I had only been the one who was hurting. Loving someone was without risk, until now. Where is this bravery you speak of?

People say that we throw around the word love too much. But I think that we don't say it enough. Everyone's trying to bottle it up until they can trust someone to bare it all. But it's a wildfire and it is infinite and you don't have to worry about running out.

It's just a word and a feeling. I have a feeling... and "I really really like you" just doesn't cut it anymore, so why not? Follow the rules, Sun. Wait 48 hours. Love doesn't come in prescriptions. You can swim right after eating. There is no sweet without the sour. So maybe I'll say it. I love you too.

The first day of instruction.

Today was the first day of instruction at Berkeley. It's weird to be sitting here in LA while all my friends are trying to get their schedules in order... doing that Berkeley thing.

Especially since the school doesn't know I'm not registered yet...

Sever your hearts.

There's a certain quality of mind and body that refuses to be very far apart. I think it's why people cut themselves and say it makes them feel better. There's something very unsettling of feeling like you're dying on the inside and being totally healthy on the outside. I've never cut myself or anything like that but I can see why someone would.

From a very early age we develop a strong desire for things to just make sense.

I think too much or not enough.

I got home this morning at 6:00 am... drove past my house, saw that my living room lights were on and said "shit" as I rolled by. Then I sucked it up, turned around and headed in with my alibi prepared. I do this thing now where I explain every little detail of the situation before my parents can even open their mouths. I find it prevents much of the anger build-up.

So I creep through the door. My dad is sitting on the computer. He turns around, smiles and says "Hey boy!"

... I swear to god, I thought the was gonna pull out a shotgun. But he didn't care. Told me he wasn't feeling well. I said he should see a doctor if it doesn't get better soon, and he let me go. Parents are an interesting being. You spend so much time thinking of them as infallible authority figures, that your world kind of crumbles a little when you realize they're human. That they're prone to emotional fluctuations like you are; they can take misplaced frustration out on someone like you do; they're vulnerable to sickness and disease.

I was trapped in a house of annoying queers in Tarzana for two hours. Oh god, it was painful and creepy. They kept calling each other bottoms and I just wanted to smack them. One of them said I was stuck up because I wouldn't drink. I wanted to kick his ass so much, but he didn't know that the reason I don't drink is because of the pills. It's hard to explain that to people you've just met, so I've decided to tell them I have a "condition".

I've been trying so hard to find myself... fitting in to all these different groups and wondering what it's like to be someone else. But maybe the only time you actually find anything is when you stop looking.

I'm done... with all of it. Some people think I was popular in high school, like I was the ASB President or some shit. I was never popular, always an outsider. And I never really wanted to be popular. It meant you didn't get to be so picky about who you kept around you.

I'm not a party animal. Thinking back on college, the best saturday nights I spent were passing out among a small group of friends in the early morning, the times I played video games throughout the night, or those couple of nights I watched a movie and fell asleep with Steven.

I need to start being myself. But it's so hard when the best way to do that is to stop trying altogether. I've always believed that we are exactly the way that we wish to be--that we are happiest the way we already are.

Maybe this is my happiness. Not a bright, gleaming afternoon picnic, but a soft, moody night among turbulent waters.

These are the rantings of my dillusional mind.

[16:15] tangs410: mmmm....well if it makes you feel any better
[16:15] tangs410: i'm a total whore now
[16:15] samish823: hm
[16:15] samish823: should i be?
[16:16] tangs410: ummm... well i think i'm one notch more fucked up than you
[16:16] samish823: lol
[16:16] tangs410: decided to give up on love
[16:16] samish823: i'll follow you in your footsteps
[16:16] tangs410: at least for now
[16:16] samish823: ... same here
[16:16] tangs410: so i'm just fucking whatever looks good
[16:16] samish823: hahaha
[16:16] samish823: nice
[16:16] tangs410: i'm gonna sleep with all of china
[16:16] tangs410: and some guys in LA too
[16:16] samish823: hahaha
[16:16] samish823: =)
[16:16] samish823: go for it!
[16:17] tangs410: get up to 40 ppl by the time i come back
[16:17] samish823: omg
[16:17] tangs410: then when my true love finds me he'll see that i've been damaged
[16:17] tangs410: and try to fix me... and then we'll have a dramatic moment where i tell him i'm damaged goods
[16:17] samish823: wow
[16:17] tangs410: and part ways for 5-10 years
[16:17] samish823: thats wonderful
[16:17] samish823: omg
[16:17] tangs410: and run into each ohter in a coffee shop in paris
[16:17] samish823: then realize your belong to each other and come back?
[16:17] tangs410: yea

What happens in vegas...

... may not stay in Vegas. I've come to a revelation, haha. Well not quite a revelation. I think I'm just tired of shit. I'm tired of dating. Tired of taking it slow. I don't need Mr. Right... just a warm body.

I think I've given up on love... at least for a while. Which is probably a good thing since they say it'll only come to you when you stop looking for it. Yesterday marks the beginning of a whole lot of secrets, probably.

I wanna be stupid. Tired of being responsible. I wanna fuck strangers. I wanna do drugs. I wanna lose respect for myself... I want others to do the same.

Porn

I just downloaded a video called, "Shibuya Boys are Money Slave"...
...
...
...
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAH...

Falling Out

You ever have one of those friends who just seemed to thrive off your misery? I've had a couple people like those in my life. We'd spend a lot of time together, bitching about boys and how we were gonna be single for our entire lives. Now, it seems like we put ourselves in that position... to never get better or feel better about ourselves.

If being miserable was what made us so close... then we no longer have that in common.

The First Goodbyes

Today, I went shopping at Santa Monica. I had one of the best shopping experiences that I've had in a very long time and I even bought something for my brother as well. I really miss the Promenade... it's so gorgeous. I went with Sam and I think that the last time I was there I was with him too, but that was like two whole years ago. Pretty crazy, yo. Anyways I got some cheap ass clothes from Club Monico (i'm smiling) bought Burnout for PSP and ordered a digital camera off cnet.com.

So pretty soon, now that I'll be owning my first digital camera, there'll be pictures up on my blog. Huzzah! I'll be going up to SF this weekend on Sat to chill and say goodbyes before I head off to China. Maybe I'll take some pictures then.

Last week, I realized something weird... that I was actually going to miss people here in the U.S. I know I won't be gone that long but still... I said the first goodbye to Kaelynn after New Year's Eve. And it hit me that I wouldn't see her for a long time. I have so many more goodbyes to say and this weekend will be the last time I see all my Norcal-based and some of my Berkeley friends.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this because I thought I hated you all. No, not really... it's just that when you go through times as I have, you forget about all the things and all the people that got you through... until after. I just wanted to be out of Berkeley. I never really wanted to be a student, I just happened to get good grades. I think towards the end, it ate away at me, because as Eve would say, that city is too small for me.

Sam is the oldest friend from Berkeley I have. We met our first year together living at the Wilde House. He moved in to my room to save me from my terrible roommate/hook-up buddy. And it's been three years and hundreds of revolutions after. He says he doesn't know what he'll do without me.

So how could I forget all the love around me? I was surrounded by it, but I couldn't appreciate it... because no matter who was there for me, it didn't come in the form of a boyfriend. I've been a fool. But I still have some time to say my goodbyes and appreciate everyone as I should have before I leave.

God, I'm going to miss you all...

My place in Shanghai is a single in a 22 story dormitory complex with a private bathroom and private balcony. It costs $300/mo. and comes with internet. That's a fucking tight bachelor's pad, yo. I have adult ADD.

WeHo Whores

Yesterday, I think I had a dream that I was a West Hollywood snob. I think I might have just been delirious though, because I've been recovering from food poisoning for the past 48 hours. I think it was the steak I had at Denny's (never ever order food that isn't cooked at least "well done"), however my mom is convinced that I got food poisoning from partying too much.

Anyhow, my past couple of visits to WeHo have been interesting. I think I've only been two or three times in the past year, and I always get catcalls from older men. Not that I ain't flattered but I wish some young guys would give me a holler too, you know?

The first time, a late 20's/early 30's black guy came up to me when I was walking to a club and asked me, "Which one of your friends has the biggest dick? I bet it's you, right?" (Yeah, that was my fav.)

This last time, it was "Damn, boy! Which club are you going to?" Anyway, I mention this because I think that if I stayed down in LA long enough, I would become a WeHo snob, considering I already made out with a random guy on New Year's Eve, who I met five minutes just before the countdown. Hooray for good timing, yea?

My New Year's resolution...

... is to follow my own advice.