"So are you... a player?"
"No, I don't think so. Well if I am... I'm not a very good one."
Before I left Berkeley, my doctor told me, Zoloft is not a drug you want to just go off of. I nodded my head, but to be honest I didn't really know what she meant until last week. Anyone who has spoken to me online or on the phone knows that last week I was incredibly sick. Thought it was a flu for a while that gave me the dizziness but after the coughing went away I couldn't even turn my head without feeling all the fluids swishing around my brain.
Which is when I remembered those little pills I stopped taking shortly after I arrived here. I know I should be on them, but I've decided yet again to quit taking them. This time I think it's for a better reason, however, I don't really want to say the reason right now. But in my mind it makes sense.
So I went back on to make the pain go away, and now I cut my dosage down day by day. Dating boys in Chinese is incredibly difficult, especially when they can't understand english. I think my english-speaking chinese friends here take it easy on me, because they usually know what I'm trying to say. Some boys aren't as forgiving on my pronunciations. Words that I thought I could easily say... are more or less incoherent.
Luckily for me, my desire to date guys here has also dwindled. Tons of cute Shanghainese boys, but strangely enough at the end of the day I'd rather stay at home and study mandarin. My teachers compliment me in class, about how well my pronunciation is. They keep asking me if my parents speak mandarin at home which makes me feel pretty damn good. Maybe I just need to speak louder. I wonder how my friends will react if I return to home as a louder me. Quietness has always been one of my defining characteristics.
I went out into the city last Saturday on my own. It was one of the only times in my life that I've ever felt truly comfortable being alone. I think back in the states I feel pressured to be social and have friends around, when most of the time I'm happiest at home in bed. I think I always feel pressured to have something interesting to say about who I'm dating or how my sex life is. Less than a week after I've arrived here I already had several friends ask me if I had met anyone yet. And for some reason, reminding them that I had only been in Shanghai for a couple of days really didn't alter their curiosity... so I went out that weekend and got laid.
And now I don't really give a shit anymore about how long I go without having sex. Always felt like I was on a timer, as if people expected me to have a lot of sex and if I didn't then I was some kind of loser. I don't think it was other people's fault really... I'm pretty sure that I convinced myself of those opinions.
I wonder now if maybe I'm supposed to be alone. If maybe there isn't someone out there for everyone. After all what are the odds of that happening. Realistically speaking there should be several people out there for some people and no one out their for others. People get married and divorce mid-life to live the rest of their lives alone, yet content.
Walking around the city, I see that there are lots of beautiful places, and there are lots of things that I would like to show to some friends, some things I want my parents to see... and a couple things that I would want to share with a boyfriend. But I think that I would very much like to start finding places that I don't mind keeping for myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment