Every relationship ends with the search for this particular thing. Good or bad, if your boyfriend cheats on you or if your husband dies, you look for this. The trouble is that it's very different for each person, and for one person it changes over time.
The first time I looked for closure was when I was trying to get over my high school crush. Of course it wasn't really getting over him. My idea of closure was trying to get him to fall in love with me, even though he turned out to be straight. And every time I got beat back down and he wondered why I cared so oddly much about our "friendship", I found a reason to fight again for him. Maybe it wasn't so much of a reason then as it was an excuse.
After that I gave up on the idea: one last conversation, one last look or one last kiss. It was all bullshit to me. What is supposed to be the last for me always ends up getting twisted into the first of a new beginning. I think that in a very wierd way I'm too optimistic. I keep dreaming of something I know will never come.
A month ago, my idea of closure changed again. I wanted him to say he loved me back after all this time. I wanted him to say that he made a mistake. I wanted to be able to walk away from him the way he walked away from me. But that's foolish. I know that if he had asked me back, I could walk away... but I could never do it the way he did. Sometimes I think I was born to give him the advantage.
This week, my concept of closure changed once again. I sat on this computer and wrote an e-mail to him. I wanted to say goodbye and sorry. I wanted to apologize for making my problems his and wish him well in his life. The letter was a good one. It sounded optimistic, civil and genuine. But as I got towards the end, I couldn't press the send button. A thought occurred to me. What if he replied? Is there anything he could say that wouldn't make me feel worse? If he said too little, would my heart break a little like it used to? Maybe he thought of this too.
The problem is I'll never understand how he felt about me, or if he felt anything at all, so I don't know why he hasn't tried to get in touch with me. Maybe he is concerned about my feelings or maybe...
I looked at his pictures on facebook. The ones tagged by his boyfriend and besides for the pleasure of masochism I took from it what I found to be closure. Or at least what I will find to be closure for he and I. I saw how happy he was over in New York with his boyfriend, and I decided not to send the e-mail. I figured it would just remind him of a time when he was unhappy. I mean, isn't it sad when you are personally serving as a reminder to someone of a really bad time. And really, what was I looking to get out of it? I think I wanted some validation that things have changed, and that he still looks at me with some amount of affection. Or maybe I just want him to think of me as much as I think of him... maybe I just don't want him to forget about me until I can finally forget about him.
It's hard when someone you cared about moves on so much sooner than you did yourself. I guess that's been the case for everyone I've ever needed closure from. It's always been excuses to draw them back into my life, even after they're gone.
To end a relationship - beyond the last kiss, last hug or last knowing look - what do you really need from the other person? Does he have anything to say that will set me free? Or does he only have things that I want him to say?
I've come to understand that the only way for me to walk away is to accept all my losses. To take the humiliation and the heartache, and appreciate the part of me that dared to love another in the first place.
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