This is the sound of settling.

Someone wrote me an e-mail last week. Someone that I used to care a lot about, and who I still care a lot about... just in a different way. We don't talk very much anymore cuz I always end up mad at him, but he finds me online. Says he always leaves a little sad. Seems like I'm always searching for something. Hopes I'll find it in China.

Plane leaves in six hours. I have so much to write and not enough time to write it. I have pictures to post but not enough time to find them. I think I tend to look over the positive in my life, and for that I'm sorry for anyone who cares about me and actually checks up on me through this. I will try to give a more unbiased account of the occurrences in my life. =P

All I can think about right now is how familiar this feels... to leave again. I spend so much time not caring about my surroundings and when I'm finally going the emotions start to swell up. And in my brain, all the memories swirl together, beautiful in it's unapologetic melancholy.

I remember the night before I left to Boston, watching cartoons with my brother until 5 am when I had to leave. I remember the silent 1 hour drive to LAX with my dad, and how he told me to be a good boy. 10 months later I left the city, head pressed against the window of my friends car as I watched the city lights fade. Body pressed against the airplane window as I looked down and saw how Commonwealth snaked along the Charles River. And far down where the road intersected Harvard Ave. I could see the little building that I called my home.

I remember a lot of things from a lot of places, but it's not so important to list the right now.

Five years ago, I left my home, my family, my friends and everything I knew about myself to find a new me. I ended up in a city where I knew no one, had no place to live and had no idea about what I would be doing for work. I like to think that I've grown up a lot since then. I used to tell people that I was going away to find myself, but now I know that I was just a coward, getting away from my problems. And now I know that the only time you ever really find yourself is when you stop running.

So yes, maybe I'll find myself in China. But if I do... it won't be because of China.