Are you happy?

"You miss America? I haven't really thought about it much."
"Yeah, I never really appreciated it before. Why don't you miss it?"
"I don't know. I guess I just wasn't happy there."
"And you're happy here?"
"Yeah. I think I am."

It's really late right now, and I can't go to sleep. That and I have to wake up in two hours to take my parents 杭州 (Hangzhou) tomorrow. I've been thinking a lot lately about reconciling my life here with my life back in the U.S. Because I'm not a big fan of leaving your baggage behind only to have it come back and bite you in the ass years later.

I've told a couple people here about my past and about last semester, but when I start to speak too much I have to stop. Because I really can't take it. I had 螃蟹粥 (crab congee) today with a guy who is allergic to shellfish. He said he wanted to build up a tolerance. Maybe, it's the same with me. I have to build up a tolerance to my past.

I don't think most people know how certain points of my life have been for me. I don't think they know that I took Tylenol pills until my body couldn't take it and puked it out last semester, so that I could sleep. But I was really looking for a permanent fix. I don't think they know that I stood in my kitchen a couple of times with a knife pressed to my gut while I told myself, "just push".

Last year, I really wanted to die. There's a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself though. If I had wanted to kill myself, you wouldn't be reading anything right now because I would have done it. I'd have bought a hose, connected it to the exhaust of my Mustang and driven out to the bay to wait for the carbon monoxide to take over my body. No, I did not want to kill myself... though I did want to die. Wanting to die is different in the sense that you don't actually want to do the work yourself. Either your religious beliefs prevent you from doing it or you're just shit afraid of making such a big decision. I wanted a big fat semi-truck to make the decision for me. It's why I only took 10 pills that night, and it's why the tip of that blade never pierced my skin.

"I know a lot of people like you. You move around a lot and you can't stay in one place for more than a couple of years. You get there and everything seems perfect for a while, but as soon as the dust settles, you remember you have to deal with your problems again."

I think I'm not as naive as I used to be. At least not enough to believe that in the six weeks that I've been here the dust has already settled, and I'm ok. But regardless, today I told my parents that I'm going to stay here. After I get my degree this summer at Berkeley, I'm going to come back and stay here indefinitely.

Something about Shanghai tells me to let the dust settle here. Here I can be lost among the millions of people, and as long as I don't open my mouth, I melt into the background. Here, I have a new start and I get to use different decisions for the same problems. It's hard to explain without sounding a little granola, but I just feel at peace here... and I feel safe. And in my lowest lows, I feel like somehow the world still cares about me. It makes me know that I will never try to hurt myself again.