It all comes down to it.

I'm experience a sort of writer's block. I'm writing a script for a film, that's supposed to be done for my Asian American Film class. Although, it's really not for that at all.

Being in Berkeley again really makes me remember how badly I kicked my own ass. School, work and tons of extracurriculars from Day One. As hard as it is, there is reasoning behind it and it's not just getting away from problems by keeping myself busy (my time honored self-defense mechanism). Life is really, really short. I mean fuck, I'm 23 already and what do I have to show for it?

I was deciding whether or not to go through with this. Should I really go through with it or should I just say fuck it and pull some shitty ass documentary bull and get my passing grade? I need art to survive and sometimes I had wished I just went straight to doing the art instead of going to college and pleasing my parents, but then again I would always feel that I missed out on the college "experience"... whatever the hell that was, haha.

I'm leaving soon and it's making me realize a lot of things. 1) I am definitely going to miss all my friends from around here, but the really good ones will persist, just like Katy, Sam, and Natalia have already proven to do. I mean, those are the ones that you want your kids to get to know. Everyone else is great to see every now and then, but you can't make decisions on where you live for the now and thens. 2) If I stay in the Bay Area, I'm going to shoot myself. I fucking hate BART with a passion. Every meal, I worry about if I'll eat anything that I actually like, and sadly there have been few meals I've enjoyed since I got back. I don't want to be one of those negative people who leave the country and come back and talk all kinds of smack about the place a lot of people call home, but I guess it's too late for that isn't it? I do my best to not exaggerate though... to keep my opinions mild and not overstated... well except for my hatred for BART.

I miss Shanghai... I miss the language, and being surrounded by Mandarin. Watching Taiwanese music videos on YouTube puts a lump in my heart. I want to get started with my life already...