Mr. Love or Hate

I've noticed a trend an all my pursuers/pursuees, which is that they tend to either really really like me or really really dislike me. Looking back, there were only a couple who were ambivalent. That's what I'm really looking for I guess. That's what seems the most comfortable with me. I want someone who's willing to date me but not crazy about the whole idea.

I know from experience that I can be trained to love someone, although I've yet to figure out if that is the good kind of love. When someone likes me a lot, especially in the very beginning, it makes me question their sanity. I think to myself, "waoh kid, do you really know what you're getting into?"

It also makes me wonder if it could be any boy walking down the street... or at least any cute boy, for the pickier ones. Or even anyone who pays attention back to you. And I do believe somewhat in love at first sight, but I've always thought the type of love I wanted would be mutual... that we'd look at each other and just know that we had a fighting chance in this crazy world.

I find myself speaking like other nutcases: "If only they could treat me a little bit worse, I would like them so much more."

I entertained the thought, yesterday, that maybe I'm just that great of a person. Maybe the ones who like me (as opposed to the ones that avoid me) just get it. Maybe I'm good enough to be loved that intensely by someone.

But that was just a musing. I know there are people out there who can think that way. And I wonder if that kind of thinking is classified as egotism or a healthy level of self-esteem. After all, is it really that concieted of a notion to believe that we actually deserve the good things we get?

If I sit down with someone and ask them to explain why they like me I will be looking for a list of positive, intellectual things. But I won't get them. At least not at the age that I and the people I tend to date are at. So then, will I scoff when they say, "I just like being around you", or will I accept that there are people in the world that actually like to be around me.