我到了。

This is the sound of settling.

Someone wrote me an e-mail last week. Someone that I used to care a lot about, and who I still care a lot about... just in a different way. We don't talk very much anymore cuz I always end up mad at him, but he finds me online. Says he always leaves a little sad. Seems like I'm always searching for something. Hopes I'll find it in China.

Plane leaves in six hours. I have so much to write and not enough time to write it. I have pictures to post but not enough time to find them. I think I tend to look over the positive in my life, and for that I'm sorry for anyone who cares about me and actually checks up on me through this. I will try to give a more unbiased account of the occurrences in my life. =P

All I can think about right now is how familiar this feels... to leave again. I spend so much time not caring about my surroundings and when I'm finally going the emotions start to swell up. And in my brain, all the memories swirl together, beautiful in it's unapologetic melancholy.

I remember the night before I left to Boston, watching cartoons with my brother until 5 am when I had to leave. I remember the silent 1 hour drive to LAX with my dad, and how he told me to be a good boy. 10 months later I left the city, head pressed against the window of my friends car as I watched the city lights fade. Body pressed against the airplane window as I looked down and saw how Commonwealth snaked along the Charles River. And far down where the road intersected Harvard Ave. I could see the little building that I called my home.

I remember a lot of things from a lot of places, but it's not so important to list the right now.

Five years ago, I left my home, my family, my friends and everything I knew about myself to find a new me. I ended up in a city where I knew no one, had no place to live and had no idea about what I would be doing for work. I like to think that I've grown up a lot since then. I used to tell people that I was going away to find myself, but now I know that I was just a coward, getting away from my problems. And now I know that the only time you ever really find yourself is when you stop running.

So yes, maybe I'll find myself in China. But if I do... it won't be because of China.

I have been having the worst dreams.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my guitar... because I punched it. Last night I dreamt that I was leaving my house after an argument with my dad, and right before I left the door, I grabbed a gay magazine and walked up to him. "Oh, and guess what," I said, "I'm gay". I flipped through the pages and showed him all the pictures, and then I rolled it up and lunged to smack him in the face with it.

What I ended up smacking was my guitar.

But before that I dreamt about him. I keep dreaming about him. That I'm back in that place where it feels horrible and I still love him. I wake up and I breathe a sigh of relief that it's over and I go about my day. But today was different. Today felt different when I woke up.

I believe in fate. I really do, and I think that something wanted me to find closure so I could stop having these dreams. It led me to his blog and I read it and wept. I guess I needed to know that he was doing well. I guess I needed to know that he was happier than I could have ever made him...

It's hard being at home.

Everyone's yelling at each other and it makes me sad for home. Though it seems I try so hard to keep my distance from my family, I often wonder. I wonder what it's like for my mom to go into the same office every day for the past 20 years. I wonder if Nordstroms makes her happy on the weekends. I wonder if she ever thinks of learning new dishes to cook, or if she's content with the same ones she's been making for us all this time. I wonder if she ever wanted to be a mom. I wonder if this is what she wanted for us all.

I wonder what it's like for my dad to hold on to a business that everyone else seems to hate. I wonder what it's like to make a company your life. I wonder if he'll ever be okay with the way things are going to turn out. I wonder how often he regrets marrying my mom.

I wonder about my brother and the girl he's chasing. I wonder if he loves the chase or if he just wants to love something. I wonder if he's getting lost in someone outside of this house. I wonder if he'll have the first grandchildren, if I'll become an uncle to his children.

I wonder about my older brother and what will make him happy. I wonder if he even knows himself. I wonder if he's as much like me as I think he is. I wonder if he worries about his siblings. I wonder if he thinks it's his job to make sure that we turn out ok. I wonder if he knows when to be selfish.