Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes it seems like the worst things happen to you. I like to think that they happen for a reason... either to prevent you from doing something worse or to teach you a lesson. Natalia told me last year she believed the same thing, and that I should just put my problems exactly where the were--in the past--and move on. It's the same thing that christians are referring to when they say "god has a plan".

I'm sitting in a Coffee Bean trying to study for my final tomorrow. A guy comes up and speaks to me in chinese. He holds out two flash drives. I tell him I don't understand what he wants me to do. He talks some more, and then I tell him I don't speak chinese. At this point I realize he's not gonna leave me alone, so I transfer his damn files for him.

Before I came to Shanghai I thought there was a big plan for me. That everything that happened to me over the past had happened for a reason and it was all pointing me to Shanghai. I thought that Arthur broke up with me because if he didn't I might've stayed for him. I thought I was always depressed because fate wanted me to be able to comfort other people with their problems. In Shanghai, I would find that part of me that I was looking for. Maybe I'd fall in love. Maybe I'd learn to love myself. Maybe I'd get over my depression.

I'm going back home in less than a week, and none of this stuff has really happened. I'll be back in Shanghai in two months. I've come to the conclusion that things happen for a reason, but it's always up to me to figure out why. I think it's about time I grew up and stopped relying on fate to put me in the right direction.

Forrest Gump said it was a little of both. I think everyone is destined to end up somewhere, but it's up to us to decide how we get there.

I shave my head in the summers in the years that I want change the most. Hair has always been symbolic for me. Having no hair means less time in the mirror fixing up my appearance. Less time in the mirror means more time in the rest of the world.

I know where I'm gonna end up in the future. One day I'm going to truly be happy with myself, and I'm not going to need a boy by my side to tell me that I'm lovable and capable of loving other people. I'm going to have a place somewhere and stroll the streets in my off-time walking my puppy through my neighborhood. My boyfriend will run up behind me wrap me in his arms and ask me to guess who. I'll reply "Jay Chou?" I'll love him, but no more than I'll love having my sanity. When my friends visit I'll show them my meticulously decorated apartment and serve them tea or beer; Eve or Rick. I'll ride my bike through the streets and hear the jazz in my head bouncing off the building walls.

One day... I'm going to stop wanting change. But if things ever do change from there, I won't try to get in the way.