Get lost.

I walk down the street, with all my focus buried in the attention of my cell phone. I need minutes, and badly. As I listen to the automated voice instruct me in broken english, I wonder if I'm at the point in my studies where I can start pressing 1 on my touch tone keypad for Mandarin. Two boys come out of the storefront up ahead, one with his arm around the other. I think to myself, "how cute". The other boy's arm reaches up to the small of his back, as if he were trying to reach a higher hetero-appropriate area. His hand then falls to the other guy's right buttcheek and gives it a long hard squeeze... then I think to myself, "how long has it been since you got laid?"

I've been working in front of the computer for several hours trying to get this contract graphic design business of mine going. Two weeks = two customers = $600 US = 2 mo. rent in Shanghai. But it's not enough. As good as it sounds right now, I can only live off the gap between the US dollar and Chinese RMB for so long. I need consistent work and a good profile. Plus, by this time next year, I want an apartment with a hot tub. Yeah, that's right... hot tub.

I think maybe I can be one of those really sought after designers like Paul Rand. He designed logos for ABC, IBM and NeXT among all his big corporations. I just like the idea of being paid literally hundreds of dollars per hour to sit and think. I could go in the park, wander around and wonder if I should use circles or squares, serif or sans serif. This would all be great if my designs didn't suck ass. But I guess it's ok for now and not having any formal design education.

If I can support myself doing this, I can use the spare time to go on auditions for random things. When I return to Shanghai in August I'll be bringing a flugelhorn with me. Maybe I can get into a jazz band or something here. Then I won't actually have to speak chinese. I'm going to meet Coco Zhao Ke this weekend hopefully, who is a famous shanghainese jazz singer, also gay. Supposedly his stuff is good but I wouldn't know where to find his CD.

Regardless, I can't help but feel like such an idiot here. I was supposed to start my business 3 months ago. If I had, I would have plenty of money for a new place. I see all the material things that I want and kick myself in the butt just a little bit for not already having them.

And in regards to relationships, haven't found one worth talking about yet. I think it'll be a long time coming though. For now I'm happy with the occasional lay, which will hopefully come more often once I have my own place. I think it's about time that I really raised my standards for men. I've noticed that since I've arrived in Shanghai that I've been pretty good about that. Whoever this guy is... the one that I'm going to meet and know that I'll want to be with for a very long time, I'm sure he's on his way to Shanghai within the next 5 years. I'm thinking that he'll come for the jazz.