Hooray for Heartache

I fell in love with a boy who didn't love me back. As I walk around, I constantly feel a tight grip around my heart, as if someone was taunting me for it's weakness. Telling me what my flaws are.

When the rain pours like it has recently, I'm reminded of all the faults I've trained myself to believe. The ugliness, stupidity, incompentence, lovelessness and hopelessness that I have come to define myself as. But these are fabrications, I know. Why did I make up a version of myself to hate? Or was I taught to?

I understand now, where to go. And I'm happy for that! I'm like a pie... a sexy, sexy pie. But there's this one bad piece that just spoils the whole thing. And the rest of the pie is great, it really is. But this bad piece brings the rest of it down... and you can't eat around that slice... it's just gross.

I have to learn to love myself. Really learn to love myself. Not through others. I'm glad I made the choices that I've made. I'm glad I quit Theatre Rice my last semester, even though it's become the hardest of my semesters here at Berkeley. I'm glad that I had him join Theatre Rice, because despite all the hurt, it kept me from being able to trap him... to guilt him into loving me. And now he's free, as he should be.

Throughout the past couple of weeks I've been questioning my decision to leave TR. For so much of my college life it has provided me with a crutch of self-esteem. Because people like me on stage and because people want to cast me for productions. Because I have so many fag-hags in the group! For the past four months, I've stood on my own. I can't use my talent to make people love me, or my mystery. I am without tools to make anyone love me. This year, this semester is about loving myself. To take all that emotion that pours out to the men in my life and bring it inside, where it's needed the most.

I feel like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live as I sit in front of the mirror and tell myself that I'm good enough for the world. Except he never cried while he was doing that... to each his own right? I think I can find good in me again. I think that there is a lot of good in me. But like anything else that really matters in life, it's gonna take a lot of work.