Reflecting

I'm pretty sure that he hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me again... even though he said he did. It's probably an attempt to punish me and make me feel bad, and it's working. It's ok though, I'm not really upset because I understand: this year has really made me learn a couple things about myself.

He's closing a door. Sometimes people are openings to all the places that you've been in your life. With your ex-relationships, you have to come to a decision and figure out if the place that he takes you to, is more good than bad. And if it's more bad, you close it. I really don't think he should close this door because I don't think anything terrible happened to us, even during our breakup. But how would I know what pain he felt? My eyes have been wide shut.

A good friend used to always tell me that I chased the guys who treated me like shit. I didn't really take it seriously until lately. Maybe I've listened to way to much Loveline, but you know how girls who are abused as children grow up to marry guys who are abusive to them? Well my parents never really abused me, but they did underappreciate me and I think that's become what I look for in a man. I don't think it's that I want to be underappreciated. I think it's just that I'm used to it.

It's like how people who were often lonely or sad in their lives find comfort in returning to that solitude and melancholy. As bad as it is, there's consistency and you know the routine.

I've often fell the worst for men who have told me that I was a great person... talented, smart, blah blah blah, and yet always found excitement in other things and other people. I think maybe having the opportunity to change their minds about me, is the possibility of changing my mom's and dad's as well.

But all this psychological crap is exactly what it is: crap. I can theorize as much as I want but it is of no more practical usage to me. What matters now are the doors in my life. Which ones do I leave open? Which ones do I close? Where has the bad outweighed the good?

I'm closing some more today. Sorry to those who would have it another way. The thing is... I find that the good always stays good, and the bad, over time, gets less bad. There will come a time when I will reopen some of these doors, but it will be months...maybe years to come.