Oh, here we go again...

I went to the Tang Center today to get a check up because I've been having my sleeping problems and everything. They've cleared up a bit as of late but it's still on my mind. Also, I thought that you know, I might be dying so I wanted them to make sure that I was all healthy and everything.

I had forgotten that they have a file on me. So within a couple of minutes after the doctor entered the room, she was asking how I was "feeling" and I knew where this was going. She had me do a test. It was kinda like a survey and you scored how much you agreed with a statement. (I feel worthless - strongly agree. My appettite has decreased - strongly agree. My sex drive has declined - strongly DISAGREE.) I wish it had. I'd probably be in less trouble generally. So I filled it out, added up the numbers and I got a 32. Flipping over the page to see the scale, turns out I'm "severely depressed". The doctor looked at my score and said "Ouch. Poor guy." I was amused.

So I'm on Zoloft. I don't know why I'm so open about these things. Some people really try to keep their mental health on the downlow, but for me... I just hope that it explains to the people that I care about why I do the things they do. It's so hard to try and get them to realize what I'm going through. Sometimes it's just easier to say, "Hey. Look! Pills! I'm crazy! Wooo... woooo... wooo."

Then she gave me pills to counter the side effects that I might get from Zoloft. This isn't the first time I've been on medication. In fact, it'll be the third. This is a new drug though. Feels like I've just bought a new shirt that I hope I'll look hot in. When I went to previous doctors, they were hesitant to recommend it to me, which is why I was surprised when she said that I definitely should go on them.

In her explanation, taking anti-depressants is like taking medication for diabetes or high blood pressure. Lots of people my age have realized at this point in their lives that they will always need to be on medication, and that I should realize the same thing. I can't just drop it every time that I start to feel good about myself. It allows space to fall again.

And here I was, hoping I had AIDs...